Assalamualaikum..
While I was typing this. The clock is moving. From 0 sec to 5..
Turns to minute, hour and a day will passed.. Abah, if I know how hurts it is
to be missing someone who weren't here. I will prepare from hair to legs. From
above until bottom. But this shouldn't be happened. But I believe Allah is the
best planner. He knows want he want. And He knows that you're not that strong
to face your disease.. You've been strong enough before. Somehow Allah moved
you to a place that need you to no need to do something. Just rest until all of
us gather together. Oh Allah. I believe in you. I know... You take Abah because
you loved him so much. He had fought for us for so long. I know, you took him
from us so that he can rest in peace. I know.. I know.. But Allah. I never had
any chances to show him how much I love him. How much I care for him. How much
I wanted to take care of him. How much he mean to me. How much I love to spend
my whole life with Him together with my family...
Oh Allah. If you had given me more hint. I would tell him how much
We love him I would tell you how much you worth for Us. How much I proud of you
for being my father... If only I got chances to choose. I will choose to take
away your disease and pray to Allah to place your cancer to mine. I rather to
be the one who suffered the most than you...
You were so lucky Abah.. Allah gave you the test.. I couldn't
believe that you've manage to overcome those test until the end...
Abah, adik couldn't believe that you weren't here with Us anymore.
It almost 27/7 bah.. but you're not here to celebrate my birthday.. Adik tried
so hard to not showing any sign of missing you but adik had failed Abah.. How
can people so easily said "Its okay. I feel you" but they are not.
Abah, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud being a daughter of a dad
that I called Abah. The one that I love the most. Abah. I just wanted to say
that. Adik mintak maaf sebab adik tak datang awal masa tu. I should had come
earlier but I lost my count. I'm so sorry Abah. Adik sayang Abah. Adik rindu
Abah.
Sangat rindukan Abah......
Adik ingat lagi.. This last 2 past semester adik selalu balik awal
(Semester 4 and 5) Selalunya kelas habis hari Jumaat tapi housemate semuanya
malas nak balik. Mungkin sebab ada kerja.. takpelah. Adik ok je balik sorang2.
Lagipun adik dah biasa sangat balik sorang sorang. So takda apalah. But adik
kalau boleh nak balik Khamis pagi tu jugak! Kalau boleh taknak pergi kelas.
Sebab I've been missing Mak Abah so much. Papehal adik mesti tanya "Mak,
Abah ada gi hospital tak minggu ni? Kalau ada hari apa? Kalau Khamis, adik
takde kelas. Balik tengahari (KONON Padahal ada kelas petang ni. Sampai pukul 4
petang) Setiap minggu call kalau adik tak busy... Call Abah tanya Abah
"buat apa. Dah makan ke belum. Dah makan ubat ke belum. Dah minum air ke
belum,.. Abah tak rindu adik ke.. " Abah selalu cakap "Baliklah rumah
kalau macam tu" Punyalah taknak bagitau yang dia rindu anak dia...
Ada satu tahap tu. Adik terlampau busy sampai adik terpaksa duk
rumah sewa.. Mak call tanya macam macam "kenapa tak balik,.. Busy ke dik?
Kalau tak busy..Baliklah... Kalau kerja tu boleh buat dekat rumah. Bawaklah
balik. Buat dekat rumah kan boleh..." Boleh tak describekan macam mana
perasaan sebersalah sebab tak dapat balik tu? So because of that. Adik pun
cakaplah dekat housemate yang adik nak balik. Mak Abah rindu. I kept on saying
the same thing tiap kali hari Khamis tu.. Sebersalah makin menebal. Sebersalah
dekat Mak Abah.. and housemate. Yelah kerja kena submit. Kena hadap berkumpulan
barulah faham apa yang kena buat.. Mak Abah rindu dekat rumah sebab Akak and
Abang jauh.. Takda orang dekat rumah kecuali kucing.. Mak Abah bosan.. Abah
sampai pernah cakap "Takpelah dik. Kau duk rumah ulang alik pun takpe.
Abah boleh tanggung lagi" Again, can you imagine kesungguhan abah bila
abah cakap macam tu? Rasa nak menangis semua ada. Bergenang jangan cerita.
Sedut angin sana sedut angin sini semata mata nak tenangkan air mata daripada
tumpah..
But a moment that Aku takkan lupa sampai bila bila. Sampai ke
liang lahad aku takkan lupa.
There was one day where I need to hantar Abah pergi Hospital PPUM
which is dekat Universiti Malaya (UM) but the thing is. Aku ada group
presentation untuk kelas Development.. So I had to make a request. I beg gila
gila dekat Madam suruh tunda group kitorang ke last group. My group pun kinda
okay. Alhamdulillah sangat sangat at that time( But i need to make a call to
those group yang last tu untuk dapatkan kebenaran untuk kitorang buat last
because we're number one's group. So agak susahlah nak carik group yang rela. I
gave them explainantion but still no tolerate at all ) But i still not give up.
Madam gave me 2 or maybe 3 option
1) Present first and then you can go (The thing is. Abah kena
pergi hospital hari Khamis. Kelas pulak habis pukul 2 petang. Can you even
imagine?!)
2) You will be deduct ** mark and your friend will also lost their
marks because of you. (I forgot how much it was)
3) You present later and your friend's mark will not be deducted
but yours will be. And you present later. Alone
*Madam with her evil smile and smirks*
So you choose. I
gave you not 2 but 3 options for you to choose. Right now. It’s up to you.
You know what. I
beg her sampai dah nak meraung dah dekat situ. But she still dengan option dia.
Guest what? I choose number 3. After tu kau tau dia boleh cakap apa?
Ni ayat yang aku
takkan lupakan sampai bila bila. Kau baca:
Madam : Takde
orang nak hantar Ayah awak ke?
Me : Takde madam.
Saya jelah yang ada.
Madam : Hantar
dekat mana? Dekat je kan? Kenapa awak pulak kena balik?
Me : *Senyum tapi
dalam hati memang dah rapuh dah ni*
Madam : Uber kan ada.
Grab Car ke. Teksi. Bayar jelah orang apa susah. Tempat awak takde Uber ke Grab
ke? Impossible.
Me : Tempat saya
susah sikit nak dapat macam tu
(So sudden ada
umat yang menjawab “Ada je”)
(Kau rasa aku nak cakap macam mana? Jengil
macam mana aku nak bagi dalam keadaan aku terdesak macam ni?)
Madam : Ha tu,
Bayar jelah. Apa susah.
*Tarik nafas,
lepas*
Me : Takpelah
madam. Hilang markah pun hilanglah. Saya present kemudian. Terima kasih banyak
banyak Madam. Assalamualaikum..
Aku pun balik
dengan hati yang sumpah aku tak boleh cakap macam mana dah. Lillahitaala.
Masatu aku Cuma harapkan kawan kawan aku back up aku je. Aku cuma nak tanya
satu benda je. Abang kau dekat Kedah. Akak kau dekat Melaka. Akak kau nak balik
rumah pun kena kau jemput baru boleh balik. Abang kau nun dekat Kedah. Takkan
nak balik on the spot? Aku duduk dekat even KL. Tak dan nak dekat sangat. Alhamdulillah
KTM ada.
Read this.
MAK BAPAK AKU TU AKU SEBERADIK PUNYA
PRIORITY. TAKKAN AKU NAK HARAPKAN ORANG LAIN HANTARKAN MAK BAPAK AKU PI
HOSPITAL SEDANGKAN DORANG ADA ANAK LAGI YANG BOLEH DIHARAPKAN EVEN TAK
SEBERAPA. BERAPA BANYAK LAGI NAK MENYUSAHKAN ORANG. EH MAK BAPAK AKU SELAGI
BOLEH TAK NAK MENYUSAHKAN ORANG LAIN KAU TAU! KESIAN ORANG LAIN. TAK BAIK
MENYUSAHKAN ORANG LAIN. TU PRINSIP MAK BAPAK AKU! SELAGI BOLEH KITA BUAT. KITA
BUAT. JANGAN MENYUSAHKAN ORANG LAIN. ABAH TAK SUKA. KALAU KITA BOLEH TOLONG.
KITA TOLONG, TAPI BERPADA PADA LAH DENGAN KITA.
So sekarang ni soalan
aku.
KAU RASA KAU
PATUT BALIK KE TAK?
And yes. Aku
balik. Terus terang aku cakap. Aku bawak rasa sebal aku. Segala sumpah seranah
aku. Segala kebencian aku. Semuanya aku bukukan dalam hati aku. Dalam hati aku memang
100% terhiris dek kata kata Madam. Di tambah pulak dengan cuka bila teringat
balik madam cakap “Naik jelah uber ke
grab ke takkan dekat tempat awak takde, impossible”
Mintak maaf lah
sangat sangat. Nyawa boleh ditukar ganti ke? Ke madam takda Mak Bapak?
Maaf. You’ve said
that to me. But remember. Dunia ni sentiasa berputar. Aku tak menipu. Aku tak
pernah nak menipu bila mana ia melibatkan Mak Abah. Pengajaran yang aku nak
sampaikan is, Jangan anggap semua orang tu menipu. Tak semua orang menipu.
Bilamana ia melibatkan Mak Bapak. Tolong respect. You as a lecture. Show your
attitude. Jangan nak buta tuli je cakap macam takde akal. Haiwan je ada otak
tapi takda akal. At least dorang ada sifat kasih sayang. Takkan aku nak samakan
you yang dah lecture tu dengan haiwan? Think. And For your Information. My
Beloved Abah had passed away on 29 April 2017. Me and my 2 older Sister and
Brother and also Mom and others got our chances to take care of Abah before he
passed. Thankyou for your “motivation” yang buatkan aku makin nak balik and
jaga Bapak aku yang sakit tu daripada hadap kau. Thanks a lot sebab buat aku
jadi benci nak pandang muka kau. I do respect you as my lecture. I still smile
infront of you but remember. I won’t promise you any “Kemaafan”. I will
(someday) But I don’t know when.
And yeah, One
more thing. The one that Abah respect as a “Uncle”. And me respect Him as a “Grandfather”
who was not encouraged Abah to always Sabar and give motivation at all. All he
knows was datang rumah kitorang. Tak hormat orang sakit. Tak hormat anak anak
dia. Tak hormat orang. Main lontarkan je apa benda yang terlintas. Tak jaga
hati orang sakit. The thing that he knew was jatuhkan semangat Abah. Downkan
Abah. Down kan us as His child. Aku yang dengar ni pun rasa nak halau dia
keluar time tu jugak apatah lagi Abah. Abah yang sakit tulah yang di rendah2
kan semangat dia lagi.. Abah sakit kot time tu. Kenapa takda sense langsung.
Kenapa otak tu tak cerdik langsung?!
Tapi
Alhamdulillah. Aku bersyukur sangat. Allah tak pernah salah pilih orang. Abah insan
yang sangat kuat.. Sangat kuat. Insan yang terpilih. Abah tak tunjuk pun yang
dia sakit hati. But i saw his eyes during the conversation. The way mata Abah
kemerah merahan tahan air mata. But dia tahan. Sebab aku ada depan dia. Dia
taknak jadi lemah. Dia tepis! Dia cuba jadi kuat but bukan aku. Aku memang dah
rasa nak bangun and halau dia. Lillahitaala. Perancangan Allah tak pernah
salah. Elok je aku nak bangun, diorang pun mintak diri. Bagus sangat.
Alhamdulillah. At least berhenti jugak ayat ayat dia daripada sakitkan hati
abah. Alhamdulillah sangat.
Cuma I can’t
accept that the one yang harapkan Abah meninggal, yang downkan Abah. Yang
sakitkan hati abah. Datang majlis tahlil Abah? I wonder how does it feels like bila
attend tahlil orang yang kau harapkan dia meninggal?. Satisfied ke lepas apa
yang kau cakap dekat Abah aku? Puas dah? Kau harapkan dia mati tapi kau datang
jugak? Kau tau tak. Elok je aku nampak kau duduk depan aku. Terus aku pergi
duduk dekat belakang. Semua kebencian aku datang. Pandang belakang kau pun aku
dah rasa benci. Aku taknak doa yang bukan bukan. Sekarang ni kau sendiri tengah
hadap. Allah bagi cash je. Allah tu Maha Adil. Ingat tu je. Kau buat orang.
Allah balas balik. Jangan riak. Jangan takbur.
Semoga kita semua
dalam lindungan Allah. Once again aku nak cakap.
I may forgive you. But I don’t know when.
But Abah dah takde. Merangkaklah kau dekat
sana nanti J
It's 3.02am in the morning (07 - 15 - 2017)