Saturday, July 15, 2017

At least my lies was a good lies...



Assalamualaikum..
While I was typing this. The clock is moving. From 0 sec to 5.. Turns to minute, hour and a day will passed.. Abah, if I know how hurts it is to be missing someone who weren't here. I will prepare from hair to legs. From above until bottom. But this shouldn't be happened. But I believe Allah is the best planner. He knows want he want. And He knows that you're not that strong to face your disease.. You've been strong enough before. Somehow Allah moved you to a place that need you to no need to do something. Just rest until all of us gather together. Oh Allah. I believe in you. I know... You take Abah because you loved him so much. He had fought for us for so long. I know, you took him from us so that he can rest in peace. I know.. I know.. But Allah. I never had any chances to show him how much I love him. How much I care for him. How much I wanted to take care of him. How much he mean to me. How much I love to spend my whole life with Him together with my family...

Oh Allah. If you had given me more hint. I would tell him how much We love him I would tell you how much you worth for Us. How much I proud of you for being my father... If only I got chances to choose. I will choose to take away your disease and pray to Allah to place your cancer to mine. I rather to be the one who suffered the most than you...

You were so lucky Abah.. Allah gave you the test.. I couldn't believe that you've manage to overcome those test until the end...

Abah, adik couldn't believe that you weren't here with Us anymore. It almost 27/7 bah.. but you're not here to celebrate my birthday.. Adik tried so hard to not showing any sign of missing you but adik had failed Abah.. How can people so easily said "Its okay. I feel you" but they are not.

Abah, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud being a daughter of a dad that I called Abah. The one that I love the most. Abah. I just wanted to say that. Adik mintak maaf sebab adik tak datang awal masa tu. I should had come earlier but I lost my count. I'm so sorry Abah. Adik sayang Abah. Adik rindu Abah.

Sangat rindukan Abah......

Adik ingat lagi.. This last 2 past semester adik selalu balik awal (Semester 4 and 5) Selalunya kelas habis hari Jumaat tapi housemate semuanya malas nak balik. Mungkin sebab ada kerja.. takpelah. Adik ok je balik sorang2. Lagipun adik dah biasa sangat balik sorang sorang. So takda apalah. But adik kalau boleh nak balik Khamis pagi tu jugak! Kalau boleh taknak pergi kelas. Sebab I've been missing Mak Abah so much. Papehal adik mesti tanya "Mak, Abah ada gi hospital tak minggu ni? Kalau ada hari apa? Kalau Khamis, adik takde kelas. Balik tengahari (KONON Padahal ada kelas petang ni. Sampai pukul 4 petang) Setiap minggu call kalau adik tak busy... Call Abah tanya Abah "buat apa. Dah makan ke belum. Dah makan ubat ke belum. Dah minum air ke belum,.. Abah tak rindu adik ke.. " Abah selalu cakap "Baliklah rumah kalau macam tu" Punyalah taknak bagitau yang dia rindu anak dia...

Ada satu tahap tu. Adik terlampau busy sampai adik terpaksa duk rumah sewa.. Mak call tanya macam macam "kenapa tak balik,.. Busy ke dik? Kalau tak busy..Baliklah... Kalau kerja tu boleh buat dekat rumah. Bawaklah balik. Buat dekat rumah kan boleh..." Boleh tak describekan macam mana perasaan sebersalah sebab tak dapat balik tu? So because of that. Adik pun cakaplah dekat housemate yang adik nak balik. Mak Abah rindu. I kept on saying the same thing tiap kali hari Khamis tu.. Sebersalah makin menebal. Sebersalah dekat Mak Abah.. and housemate. Yelah kerja kena submit. Kena hadap berkumpulan barulah faham apa yang kena buat.. Mak Abah rindu dekat rumah sebab Akak and Abang jauh.. Takda orang dekat rumah kecuali kucing.. Mak Abah bosan.. Abah sampai pernah cakap "Takpelah dik. Kau duk rumah ulang alik pun takpe. Abah boleh tanggung lagi" Again, can you imagine kesungguhan abah bila abah cakap macam tu? Rasa nak menangis semua ada. Bergenang jangan cerita. Sedut angin sana sedut angin sini semata mata nak tenangkan air mata daripada tumpah..

But a moment that Aku takkan lupa sampai bila bila. Sampai ke liang lahad aku takkan lupa.
There was one day where I need to hantar Abah pergi Hospital PPUM which is dekat Universiti Malaya (UM) but the thing is. Aku ada group presentation untuk kelas Development.. So I had to make a request. I beg gila gila dekat Madam suruh tunda group kitorang ke last group. My group pun kinda okay. Alhamdulillah sangat sangat at that time( But i need to make a call to those group yang last tu untuk dapatkan kebenaran untuk kitorang buat last because we're number one's group. So agak susahlah nak carik group yang rela. I gave them explainantion but still no tolerate at all ) But i still not give up. Madam gave me 2 or maybe 3 option

1) Present first and then you can go (The thing is. Abah kena pergi hospital hari Khamis. Kelas pulak habis pukul 2 petang. Can you even imagine?!)
2) You will be deduct ** mark and your friend will also lost their marks because of you. (I forgot how much it was)
3) You present later and your friend's mark will not be deducted but yours will be. And you present later. Alone *Madam with her evil smile and smirks*

So you choose. I gave you not 2 but 3 options for you to choose. Right now. It’s up to you.

You know what. I beg her sampai dah nak meraung dah dekat situ. But she still dengan option dia. Guest what? I choose number 3. After tu kau tau dia boleh cakap apa?

Ni ayat yang aku takkan lupakan sampai bila bila. Kau baca:
Madam : Takde orang nak hantar Ayah awak ke?
Me : Takde madam. Saya jelah yang ada.
Madam : Hantar dekat mana? Dekat je kan? Kenapa awak pulak kena balik?
Me : *Senyum tapi dalam hati memang dah rapuh dah ni*
Madam : Uber kan ada. Grab Car ke. Teksi. Bayar jelah orang apa susah. Tempat awak takde Uber ke Grab ke? Impossible.
Me : Tempat saya susah sikit nak dapat macam tu
(So sudden ada umat yang menjawab “Ada je”)
(Kau rasa aku nak cakap macam mana? Jengil macam mana aku nak bagi dalam keadaan aku terdesak macam ni?)
Madam : Ha tu, Bayar jelah. Apa susah.
*Tarik nafas, lepas*
Me : Takpelah madam. Hilang markah pun hilanglah. Saya present kemudian. Terima kasih banyak banyak Madam. Assalamualaikum..

Aku pun balik dengan hati yang sumpah aku tak boleh cakap macam mana dah. Lillahitaala. Masatu aku Cuma harapkan kawan kawan aku back up aku je. Aku cuma nak tanya satu benda je. Abang kau dekat Kedah. Akak kau dekat Melaka. Akak kau nak balik rumah pun kena kau jemput baru boleh balik. Abang kau nun dekat Kedah. Takkan nak balik on the spot? Aku duduk dekat even KL. Tak dan nak dekat sangat. Alhamdulillah KTM ada.

Read this.

MAK BAPAK AKU TU AKU SEBERADIK PUNYA PRIORITY. TAKKAN AKU NAK HARAPKAN ORANG LAIN HANTARKAN MAK BAPAK AKU PI HOSPITAL SEDANGKAN DORANG ADA ANAK LAGI YANG BOLEH DIHARAPKAN EVEN TAK SEBERAPA. BERAPA BANYAK LAGI NAK MENYUSAHKAN ORANG. EH MAK BAPAK AKU SELAGI BOLEH TAK NAK MENYUSAHKAN ORANG LAIN KAU TAU! KESIAN ORANG LAIN. TAK BAIK MENYUSAHKAN ORANG LAIN. TU PRINSIP MAK BAPAK AKU! SELAGI BOLEH KITA BUAT. KITA BUAT. JANGAN MENYUSAHKAN ORANG LAIN. ABAH TAK SUKA. KALAU KITA BOLEH TOLONG. KITA TOLONG, TAPI BERPADA PADA LAH DENGAN KITA.

So sekarang ni soalan aku.

KAU RASA KAU PATUT BALIK KE TAK?

And yes. Aku balik. Terus terang aku cakap. Aku bawak rasa sebal aku. Segala sumpah seranah aku. Segala kebencian aku. Semuanya aku bukukan dalam hati aku. Dalam hati aku memang 100% terhiris dek kata kata Madam. Di tambah pulak dengan cuka bila teringat balik madam cakap “Naik jelah uber ke grab ke takkan dekat tempat awak takde, impossible”
Mintak maaf lah sangat sangat. Nyawa boleh ditukar ganti ke? Ke madam takda Mak Bapak?

Maaf. You’ve said that to me. But remember. Dunia ni sentiasa berputar. Aku tak menipu. Aku tak pernah nak menipu bila mana ia melibatkan Mak Abah. Pengajaran yang aku nak sampaikan is, Jangan anggap semua orang tu menipu. Tak semua orang menipu. Bilamana ia melibatkan Mak Bapak. Tolong respect. You as a lecture. Show your attitude. Jangan nak buta tuli je cakap macam takde akal. Haiwan je ada otak tapi takda akal. At least dorang ada sifat kasih sayang. Takkan aku nak samakan you yang dah lecture tu dengan haiwan? Think. And For your Information. My Beloved Abah had passed away on 29 April 2017. Me and my 2 older Sister and Brother and also Mom and others got our chances to take care of Abah before he passed. Thankyou for your “motivation” yang buatkan aku makin nak balik and jaga Bapak aku yang sakit tu daripada hadap kau. Thanks a lot sebab buat aku jadi benci nak pandang muka kau. I do respect you as my lecture. I still smile infront of you but remember. I won’t promise you any “Kemaafan”. I will (someday) But I don’t know when.

And yeah, One more thing. The one that Abah respect as a “Uncle”. And me respect Him as a “Grandfather” who was not encouraged Abah to always Sabar and give motivation at all. All he knows was datang rumah kitorang. Tak hormat orang sakit. Tak hormat anak anak dia. Tak hormat orang. Main lontarkan je apa benda yang terlintas. Tak jaga hati orang sakit. The thing that he knew was jatuhkan semangat Abah. Downkan Abah. Down kan us as His child. Aku yang dengar ni pun rasa nak halau dia keluar time tu jugak apatah lagi Abah. Abah yang sakit tulah yang di rendah2 kan semangat dia lagi.. Abah sakit kot time tu. Kenapa takda sense langsung. Kenapa otak tu tak cerdik langsung?!

Tapi Alhamdulillah. Aku bersyukur sangat. Allah tak pernah salah pilih orang. Abah insan yang sangat kuat.. Sangat kuat. Insan yang terpilih. Abah tak tunjuk pun yang dia sakit hati. But i saw his eyes during the conversation. The way mata Abah kemerah merahan tahan air mata. But dia tahan. Sebab aku ada depan dia. Dia taknak jadi lemah. Dia tepis! Dia cuba jadi kuat but bukan aku. Aku memang dah rasa nak bangun and halau dia. Lillahitaala. Perancangan Allah tak pernah salah. Elok je aku nak bangun, diorang pun mintak diri. Bagus sangat. Alhamdulillah. At least berhenti jugak ayat ayat dia daripada sakitkan hati abah. Alhamdulillah sangat.

Cuma I can’t accept that the one yang harapkan Abah meninggal, yang downkan Abah. Yang sakitkan hati abah. Datang majlis tahlil Abah? I wonder how does it feels like bila attend tahlil orang yang kau harapkan dia meninggal?. Satisfied ke lepas apa yang kau cakap dekat Abah aku? Puas dah? Kau harapkan dia mati tapi kau datang jugak? Kau tau tak. Elok je aku nampak kau duduk depan aku. Terus aku pergi duduk dekat belakang. Semua kebencian aku datang. Pandang belakang kau pun aku dah rasa benci. Aku taknak doa yang bukan bukan. Sekarang ni kau sendiri tengah hadap. Allah bagi cash je. Allah tu Maha Adil. Ingat tu je. Kau buat orang. Allah balas balik. Jangan riak. Jangan takbur.

Semoga kita semua dalam lindungan Allah. Once again aku nak cakap.

I may forgive you. But I don’t know when.
But Abah dah takde. Merangkaklah kau dekat sana nanti J

It's 3.02am in the morning (07 - 15 - 2017)

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Gross memory go away!



Assalmualaikum and Hi!

Nampak tak tajuk je dah kepoci HAHAHAHA Psssst , No one cares :p 
Okay btw, I've had re-read my old post. and was like OMG! Is this for real HUDA HAMIZAH?! Because i couldn't believe that it was me the one who posted my old post. THIS IS SO UNREAL!

HAHAHHA omg lmao Idk how to react when i first read it. All emotional beat in one pulse. HAHHAHA I hate the old me. For real i tell you. Well i bet that you guys have through this a lot. 

I've seen this one post (ofc it posted by me) I wrote about my ex, my cats (ofcourse!) My family (For surelah its a must), my friends and also cousin <3 Maybe at that time. i was thinking that this blog was all mine. No one can read it. Because i'm the only acc holder (At that time, and I think I'm a bit stupid for wrote-ing that stupidos story) HHAHAHAHA and then i saw my previous post about how unmatured am i crying over "Abang Angkat" don't know but it's real tho. Haihlahhhhhh. But no worries. I had deleted those post already. Meremang weii baca tu semua. Rasa macam nak kakikan diri sendiri pun ada jugak kahkah! 

Oh how glad if at that time, i knew that everyone else's also read my post. But why nowwwwwwwwwwwww (Ugh) Well, after so long. i don't think people will remember my post HAHAHA I think by putting HAHAHA is kinda annoying because i feel you ~~ Okay right now. Let's write something that can help other. People help you then you help people. Okay? 

Nay or Yay?